I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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