3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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