dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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