I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Randomize
