She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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