Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I had to cum in my sink.
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