Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
