Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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