Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
