So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
