No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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