theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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