He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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