You don't have asthma, your pregnant
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
