You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
