Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
