Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
This house was built for laser tag.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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