My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
