He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
