your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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