Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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