If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Randomize
