If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
