Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
