I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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