So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
