i wish there were pregnant emoticons
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I pour the whiskey from now on
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
