hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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