I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
