FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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