i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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