there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
