she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
