Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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