You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
