She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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