So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
