just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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