Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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