No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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