I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
