There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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