I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I think a kid would responsible me up
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
