Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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