The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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