Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
