I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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