Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
