i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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