your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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