i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Alive.
So much puke
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
