well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
